View from the Kitchen: When Pickleball Goes Full John Wick

Here’s a free tip: If your afternoon hobby requires a public defender and a bail bondsman, you might be doing it wrong.

I’ve been "playing" pickleball for four years. People tell me I have the raw potential to be great – specifically, people who have never seen me move and are probably legally blind. I always thought the sport’s primary goal was to gossip at a high volume while occasionally swatting a ball that sounds like a breaking Tupperware lid.

Apparently, I am not nearly caffeinated or aggressive enough. That’s because I recently read a New York Times report about two couples in their sixties at the Spruce Creek Country Club in Port Orange, Florida. What began as a friendly doubles match ended in a scene that would make a Viking pillager say, "Whoa, maybe dial it back a notch."

According to the report (quoting the NY Times article):

“The beef began over a cardinal rule of pickleball: A Port Orange, Florida man accused his opponent of playing a shot in a restricted rectangle on the court known as the kitchen... Fists flew, a paddle was used as a weapon and 20 people joined the fracas... the sheriff’s office charged the husband and wife from one of the teams with felony battery.”

Twenty people! That’s not a disagreement; that’s a rugby scrum. That’s a Braveheart reenactment with knee braces and visors.

I have some unsolicited advice for the defendants, Anthony and Julianne Sapienza. First, perhaps check the dosage on your morning meds before heading to the courts. Second, if you see an opponent commit a "kitchen violation," then might I suggest that leaping over the net while screaming, "You motherf—er, try that again and I’ll deck you!" should be considered "Plan B."

"Plan A" is usually something like: "Excuse me, Gerald, I believe your orthopedic sneaker was touching the non-volley zone. Shall we replay the point and then get some iced tea?" 

I understand that the "Kitchen" is sacred. To a pickleball purist, stepping in that rectangle is an act of heresy punishable by exile. But Anthony, buddy, it’s just a rectangle. It’s not a dispute between India and Pakistan over a strip of land in Kashmir. You went from "light cardio" to "Action 5 News" faster than an overhead smash. That’s not competitive spirit. That’s an episode of COPS with orthopedic shoes.

If convicted of aggravated battery, Mr. Sapienza is looking at up to 15 years in prison. On the bright side, 15 years is plenty of time to work on his backhand out in the yard, though I suspect the "Kitchen rules" in state prison are enforced with implements slightly more deadly than Selkirk paddles.

And let’s be honest: the post-match social vibe has definitely been ruined. I highly doubt the other couple is going to invite you over for a celebratory Starbucks latte after you spat on them and shoved the wife to the pavement. A "Top Tier" paddle as an apology gift probably won't cut it when the gift certificate has to be mailed from Cell Block C.

Mr. Sapienza, I get it. It’s frustrating when someone denies a foot fault. And it’s even worse when their wife "rudely" suggests you’re overreacting. But responding with a tactical paddle-strike and a multi-person brawl is a bit... spirited, don’t you think? That said, I hear your wife is now a frontrunner for The Real Housewives of Port Orange: Women’s Prison Edition, so there’s a silver lining.

The takeaway? It’s just a game. A pickleball court is no place to lose your soul and your freedom over a violation of a restricted rectangle. Save that level of unhinged sociopathy for its proper venue: a Buffalo Wild Wings pub during an NFL playoff game when a referee makes a bad call. Then, by all means, flip a table, throw a beer bottle at the flat screen, and challenge the guy in the San Francisco 49ers jersey to settle this in the parking lot.

But on a pickleball court? The only thing that should be smashed is your pride. And maybe, occasionally, the ball into the net. Trust me. I do that part all the time.

– Tim Jones [Check out more of Tim’s View from the Bleachers humor column in the Crab Cracker, at www.ViewFromTheBleachers.net and his YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/viewfromthebleachers]