View from the Kitchen: View from the Kitchen: I Think My Parents Have Joined a Cult – Should I Be Worried?

Dear Dr. Tim:

I hope you can help me. I’m extremely worried about my elderly parents, Bert and Martha. They’re both in their early seventies. Until six months ago, they seemed to lead normal, albeit boring, lives.

But something’s changed lately, and I’m worried about them. I think they may have joined a cult. I know it sounds crazy but hear me out. They’ve both totally given up their normal hobbies and appear to have compiled a completely new group of friends – strangers I’ve never seen nor heard about before. No, they haven’t shaved their heads and thankfully, they’re not speaking in tongues or anything like that. But they’ve definitely changed.

The other day I saw them holding these paddles and swinging them at each other wildly. Do you think they might have joined some freaky S & M club that gets off on spanking? I really don’t know what they’re up to. They disappear in the middle of the day for hours at a time, several days a week.

Lately I’ve noticed that they’re using words I’ve never heard them utter in the past. Words like “dink” and “doing an Erne” and talking about some guy called “Nasty Nelson.” Sounds like a bad dude. Honestly, it’s like they’re speaking in code or something. And just this morning, they got into a heated argument when my mom seemed to be getting on my dad’s case shouting, “You’re always in the kitchen, Bert!”  

Dr. Tim, do you think this might be a sign of early stage dementia? Or something WORSE? They used to watch BritBox murder mysteries every evening, but now they sit in front of the computer and watch YouTube videos about how to make pickles or how to poach something. Obsessively. Dr. Tim, I think Bert and Martha are starting to lose it. I worry they might be in some bizarre cult.

Is there anything I can do to pull them out of this dark mysterious sect they appear to have been sucked into before it’s too late? – Signed, Concerned on Camano

Dear Concerned,

I won’t sugarcoat this. Your suspicions are correct. Your elderly parents have in fact entered into a cult. The cult of Pickleball. The good news is it’s a relatively innocuous, non-violent clique. But I must warn you, they can be aggressive in their recruitment tactics, sending out legions of their members to indoctrinate unsuspecting folks like your parents.

Tragically, in recent years, I’ve seen several innocent people get swept up into their strange, obsessed world. “Pickleballers” as they weirdly refer to themselves, often appear at first glance to be positive, friendly, and engaging people. But be careful. This is how they lure you in.

They’ll tell naïve senior citizens things like “it’s a great physical activity for your age” or “it’s a fun way to meet new people.” What they don’t tell you is that all those new people you’ll meet are…. PICKLEBALLERS! And they can be insufferable, rambling on about their current DUPR rating (don’t ask – you don’t want to know, trust me – no one really knows), or they’ll compare pickleball paddles for no apparent reason.

I’ve lost some close friends to this enigmatic sect. Good people, normal people, who once they picked up that paddle somehow could no longer talk about anything else.

It’s extremely difficult to de-program someone once they’ve become indoctrinated into this bewitched world. Some families have tried to help their elderly parents withdraw from the sport by introducing them to shuffleboard or lawn bowling or darts, sort of the way medical professionals try to wean addicts off of heroin by substituting methadone. But in most cases, the septuagenarians just can’t handle the cold turkey withdrawal from this sport they desperately crave. And before you know it, they quickly lapse back into the cult, rushing off to engage in a ritual they call a “Round Robin.”

I wish you luck in getting your parents back. The odds are not in your favor, I have to tell you. Let me know how it goes. – Dr. Tim

– Tim Jones [Check out more of Tim’s View from the Bleachers humor column in the Crab Cracker, at www.ViewFromTheBleachers.net and his YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/viewfromthebleachers]