View from the Kitchen: Pickleball Makes Your Teeth Brighter – And Other Astonishing Discoveries

For years, doctors have been telling us that regular exercise improves our physical health, mental health, emotional well-being, and overall quality of life. Frankly, that's old news. What we really want to know is whether it can make us look younger, save our marriages, improve our credit scores, and finally convince our grandchildren that we're "cool." Well, science may finally have some answers.

Danish researchers recently completed a groundbreaking study tracking 8,500 adults over a decade. The goal was to measure which sports added the most years to your life. The results were staggering. The study found that going to the gym added 1.5 years; jogging added 3 years; and sitting on the couch for four hours a day binge-watching Game of Thrones and Everybody Loves Raymond actually deducted 5 years (although many participants insisted those shows were worth the drop in life expectancy).

Perhaps most striking were the results involving racquet sports. The study found that tennis and pickleball blew away virtually every other form of exercise, adding, on average, almost ten years to your life expectancy (true) – even more if you start playing when you’re a toddler, although most toddlers performed poorly when it came to staying out of the kitchen.

The study concluded that not only does pickleball improve your physical health, but it also elevates your cognitive and emotional health as well – unless, of course, you really suck at pickleball, and your fragile emotional stability is largely dependent on the outcome of a match against a 4.0 player named Dominic who routinely crushes you even when he’s playing with his opposite hand.

But the study revealed even more shocking, previously unheralded side benefits. [Author’s note: This is the part of the article where I started drinking heavily, so the rest of this column may or may not have any factual basis. I’ve had a rough week. My dishwasher is possessed and my five cats are judging me.]

According to the data I think I read before the tequila kicked in, here are some additional medical miracles about the sport that millions of Americans have embraced (and millions of other Americans vociferously complain about because of the relentless, annoying thwacking sound the paddle makes with every hit).

Weight Loss: Playing pickleball at least three times a week for 90 minutes per session has been proven to improve muscle strength, flexibility, and tone, often leading to substantial weight loss – even more if you stop scarfing down half a dozen jelly donuts and a double tall caramel latte at Dunkin Donuts after each match.

The study also showed that you can lose upwards of 50 pounds a year playing pickleball, provided it is combined with a rigorous diet consisting exclusively of kale, raw lentils, steamed broccoli, and twenty 8-ounce glasses of lukewarm water a day – with absolutely no sugar, starch, dairy, or any food that might cause you to experience a fleeting glimpse of happiness.

Improved Retirement Nest Egg: Playing pickleball can increase your financial net worth by 25% over a five-year period. This is especially true when your new pickleball habit replaces your previous bad habit of playing the dollar slots all afternoon at the Lucky Eagle casino, particularly during those hours when you told your spouse you were "out helping a friend rebuild his deck."

Teeth Whitening: Pickleball may make your teeth whiter. Scientists remain baffled by this phenomenon. One theory suggests the constant smiling naturally removes surface stains. Another proposes the bright yellow color of pickleballs somehow reflects onto your teeth, making them appear dazzlingly white. Personally, I suspect the study was quietly funded by Big Toothpaste and the pickleball lobby, but that's merely speculation.

Improved Marital Harmony: Remarkably, the data suggests that for every hour an adult spends out of the house playing pickleball, their spouse’s stress levels drop so dramatically that it has a profoundly positive effect on the marital relationship – mainly by giving her time away from you. By leaving the house four times a week, you are effectively giving your significant other the gift of freedom, by which scientists mean freedom from having to listen to you whine about who ate the last slice of chocolate cake (hint: you did).

The science is becoming increasingly clear. Pickleball can help you live longer, feel healthier, think sharper, make friends, lose weight, improve your finances, brighten your smile, strengthen your marriage, and find your reading glasses.

So, what are you waiting for? Grab your paddle and get out on the court. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go visit a buddy of mine to help him rebuild his deck.

– Tim Jones [Check out more of Tim’s View from the Bleachers humor column in the Crab Cracker, at www.ViewFromTheBleachers.net and his YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/viewfromthebleachers]