View from the Kitchen: Seven Signs Your Pickleball Colleagues Might Be Shunning You

If you’re like me, you probably remember a time in your childhood when you were slightly overweight, wore braces, and were routinely picked last on the playground when the kids were choosing players for their baseball team. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday – because, come to think of it, it was. Just yesterday in my seniors softball league, the coach told me to play the position of “LEFT OUT.” I’m still not sure that’s even an actual baseball position, but I really don’t want to talk about it.

My point is: this sense of rejection doesn’t magically disappear when you reach adulthood – or in my case, my second childhood. Not even on the pickleball court.

Oh, sure, you probably thought pickleball was a friendly game filled with nice retirees sipping electrolyte drinks and talking about their newest joint supplements. Hate to burst your bubble, but many players are more competitive than they let on. And 3.5 players have zero patience for 2.0 novices who treat “the kitchen” like an open-air bistro.

So, how can you tell if your fellow pickleballers might prefer you disappear to another sport entirely – say, extreme solitaire? Here are seven subtle hints to look for:

Sign #1: They casually keep offering suggestions like, “Have you ever considered playing shuffleboard?” or “Have you looked into darts?” or “Gardening?” or “Stamp collecting?” or “the currently very popular Mahjong?” These questions tend to come right after you’ve cost them the match again – usually by serving the ball directly into the side of your partner’s head.

Sign #2: You’ve been playing pickleball for three years now, and somehow your “banana serve” still has about as much velocity as a “pitch” in Tee Ball. Every return you make rockets off your paddle at an eye-watering three miles per hour, just fast enough for your opponent to leisurely sip a smoothie before smashing it back – into your abdomen.

Sign #3: You like to crack jokes during every rally, and there’s always that one guy who laughs. That’s right – that one guy is you. Meanwhile, your partner is silently questioning all their life choices that led to them getting paired up with you. This is not open mic night. And spoiler alert – you are not Stephen Colbert.

Sign #4: After every winning point – which in your case is a rarity – you launch into a five-minute celebration routine that would make an NFL touchdown dancer blush. You yell “Woo! Who’s your daddy?!” while high-fiving yourself like a toddler who just discovered mirrors. As charming as your unwarranted jumping jubilee is, it’s starting to wear a little thin – like your F.B.I. (Female Body Inspector) t-shirt, which apparently doubles as formalwear.

Sign #5: You are Tim Jones.

Sign #6: You insist on bringing your own custom paddle emblazoned with your face – and the phrase “The Dinkfather” – but you still ask other players what the score is every time you serve. When someone points out that you’re holding the paddle upside-down, you tell them it’s a “new technique you learned on YouTube.” Spoiler: it isn’t.

Sign #7: You’ve developed a habit of narrating every point in dramatic British sports-announcer hushed tones: “And there it is, folks – Jones steps up, sheer determination etched across his face, as he crushes yet another… oh, into the net again. Will he EVER get it over the net, Reggie?” “Not likely, Roger.” The crowd you imagine cheering wildly? Yeah, they’ve all gone home.

So, if you’ve noticed your pickleball buddies suddenly “forgetting” to text you when a game is scheduled, don’t take it personally. Are they trying to send you a subtle message? Probably. But chin up. The pickleball community is surprisingly forgiving. After all, they’ve put up with people with even less potential than me – although come to think of it, I can’t remember who that would be.

So, hang in there, work on that serve, and maybe – just maybe – leave the F.B.I. shirt in the laundry next time.

– Tim Jones [Check out more of Tim’s View from the Bleachers humor column in the Crab Cracker, at www.ViewFromTheBleachers.net and his YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/viewfromthebleachers]