View from the Kitchen: The Official Pickleball Handbook of Excuses - Men's Edition

The Official Pickleball Handbook of Excuses – Men’s Edition is THE comprehensive guide for men who wish to avoid any personal accountability on the pickleball court. Whether you’re a 3.0 weekend warrior or a 4.5 borderline professional with your own Pickleball Advice YouTube channel, this manual ensures you never – ever – have to admit you were simply outplayed.

Before considering ANY potential excuses, it must be noted that under no circumstances should you utter phrases like “nice shot,” “you outplayed me,” or the shame-inducing admission to your partner, “that was my fault.” If you’re tempted to say any of these things, immediately fake a calf cramp and ask for a time out until your dignity returns.

General Excuses Appropriate for Any Occasion

“The sun was in my eyes.”

Classic. Best used when playing outdoors and the sun is out, but it also works anytime if desperate enough. Just point vaguely in the direction of the sun and squint dramatically. Pretend to be momentarily blinded for added impact.

"There’s a Dead Spot on This Court”

No one actually knows what a dead spot is or if they even exist. That’s the beauty of it. Slam your paddle on the ground, point to a random spot, and shout, “See? Right here!”

“This ball is defective / broken / has too many holes / is the wrong color.”

Inspect the ball carefully. Don’t worry that it’s in perfectly good condition. That’s not the point. Drop it to the ground, shout out, “Yeah, we’ve got a bad one.” Then stomp on it with your foot before anyone has the chance to inspect it themselves.

“My partner was out of position.”

One of the wonderful things about doubles play is that you can always throw your partner under the bus for your own mistakes. Be sure to say something vaguely affirming to your partner like, “No worries. You’ll get the next one” to plant the tiny seed of doubt that maybe it really was their screwup instead of yours.

 I Wasn’t Paying Attention

“I was distracted by that jet flying overhead / bald eagle / yoga mom in the tight pink body suit.”

Look off in the distance like you just saw a majestic bird of prey. Hold paddle like a field guidebook. Bonus points if you can actually name the sub-species of creature that you pretended to see.

“Ball on court.”

We’ve all used this one, right? So, what if the errant ball was three courts away? Just explain that you have excellent peripheral vision, and it distracted you just as you were about to serve a perfect ace.

“The wind took it.”

If you play outdoors, this is an all-purpose go-to excuse. It really doesn’t matter if there was a wind gust or not. No one can prove you wrong because wind is invisible.

Best Practice Tip: Best used when playing outside if you want your opponent to believe your lie.

Plead Your Age and / or Injury

“Back / knee / Vietnam War injury is acting up again.”

This is the Swiss Army knife of excuses. Vague enough to apply to anything from missing a dink to falling face-first into the net.

Best Practice Tip: If you claim it was a Vietnam War injury, make sure your opponent is bad at math and is unable to calculate that you were only in 4^th grade during the war.

“I had shoulder surgery in ’03, and it flares up when the humidity’s over 40%.”

This one adds just enough science to sound credible.

Best Practice Tip: Wet your index finger, point to the sky, pause, and say, “Yup, definitely around 70% humidity.” They’ll think you’re an amateur meteorologist and be really impressed.

When You’re Playing Against Someone Clearly Better

“He’s probably sandbagging. No way he’s only a 3.5.”

Imply your opponent is some kind of international pickleball ringer trying to fool everyone with his K-Mart paddle.

“He’s got a paddle that costs $300 – that’s an unfair advantage.”

Sure, you paid $295 for yours but he doesn’t know that. Complain that your opponent’s paddle is illegal because it uses micro core nano-fiber vortex technology – or other similar combination of nonsensical, but plausibly scientific sounding words strung together.

Closing Note from the Handbook Editors:

Gentlemen, this game is about pride, appearances, and ego maintenance. Winning is fun but explaining why you didn’t win – and why it wasn’t your fault – is an art form. Practice your excuses. Rotate them regularly. Deliver them with confidence and as often as possible, toss in some vague medical-sounding jargon.

Remember: It’s not really losing if you can convince everyone (especially yourself) that your terrible play was not your fault. Play on, guys. And may your excuses always sound just plausible enough.

– Tim Jones [Check out more of Tim’s View from the Bleachers humor column in the Crab Cracker, at www.ViewFromTheBleachers.net and his YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/viewfromthebleachers]