View from the Kitchen: How to Determine Your Pickleball Self-Rating

I’m not one to toot my own horn, but when it comes to sports, some people say I’m gifted. Um, now that I reflect on it, they may have been saying I’m twisted. Yeah, that makes more sense. [Note to self: You really need to start wearing your hearing aids, Tim.] I recently scored an impressive pickleball rating of 4.0 (on a new scale that goes from 1.0 to 20.0).

Which brings me to my point. Never begin a paragraph with an incomplete sentence fragment like “Which brings me to my point.” No, wait, that wasn’t my point. My point is this: When it comes to pickleball, many people have no idea what rating to assign themselves. They will typically say something like “oh, I’m somewhere between a 3.25 and a 3.5,” or in the case of my cousin Tony, who doesn’t know a pickleball paddle from a spatula, a negative 47. My own level varies between a high of 3.5 and a low of 1.5, depending on how much I had to drink that morning.

So, what sort of rating should you apply to yourself? Let me help with this easy-peasy scale.

0.0: This rating is reserved for my cousin Tony. He really sucks at all sports (maybe he’s the one that told me I was “gifted”?) Don’t ever let him be your partner, especially if you’re a woman. He’ll just hit on you and ask for money.

1.0: This rating is only for people who have never played the game before… or if you’re a toddler, in which case, please don’t chew on the paddle. You have no idea where it's been.

2.0: A basic beginner. At this level you should be able to count to 11 and understand what most of the lines on the court are for (but knowing the difference between the pickleball lines and tennis court lines is a whole different level). You may even be able to sustain a volley lasting up to four times over the net. You have no idea what your opponent meant when he pointed out that you were in the kitchen.

2.5: You probably have limited experience – either that or you’ve been at this game for two years and it’s probably time for someone to tell you perhaps you should try shuffleboard instead. You can sustain a short rally with players of equal ability. You’ve heard the term ATP but have no idea what it means. And at this point, you’re not knowledgeable enough to blame the wind for a lousy shot.

3.0: According to one definition I found on the web, at this level you should display the ability to hit a medium paced shot. You have limited directional intent and lack consistency. You can sustain a basic dink rally with limited control and you should be able to… Oh my God, this is so boring, I am literally putting MYSELF to sleep. All you need to know is at this level, you won’t be embarrassed – unless you get stuck with me as your partner. Then that’s on you for choosing poorly.

3.5: Hey, buddy, you’re getting pretty good. You’re starting to hear encouraging comments from your opponents like “nice shot” or, more likely, “I can’t believe you got that shot.” But that’s only because you’re playing against a 2.5 player. Wait till you’re facing a serious 4.0 banger. They’ll wipe that smug grin off your face.

4.0: I really don’t know much about players at this level, because playing them is not good for my fragile self-esteem. The last time I was pitted against a 4.0 player, they beat me so badly I went home, pulled the covers over my head, and refused to leave my bedroom for days.

4.5 – 5.0: Anybody at this level really needs to just shut up about their latest tournament victory. We get it, you’re insanely good. I’ll never be as good as you, ever. If you’re so gifted, how about trying to write a humor column about pickleball month after month. I’ll bet I can type way faster than you!

Um, sorry about that last rant. I skipped breakfast so I’m feeling a little hangry. In the end, it really doesn’t matter what rating you give yourself. It’s just a number, like my weight (which I will not discuss in this column, thank you very much).

The main thing to remember is first, just have fun, and second, if you’re a 4.0 or above, please don’t ask me to play you. It’s been a really bad day, and getting pickled by you is not going to make it any better.

– Tim Jones [Check out more of Tim’s View from the Bleachers humor column in the Crab Cracker, at www.ViewFromTheBleachers.net and his YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/viewfromthebleachers]