View from the Kitchen: Where I Answer Your Questions Whether You Like It or Not

Tim Jones here. It’s time once again to dip into the bulging CSPA mailbag, which is less of a “bag” and more of a loosely organized pile of complaints, misunderstandings, and handwritten notes that smell faintly like Bengay. You sent questions; I have answers.

Dear Tim,

I’ve been playing pickleball for six months now and still haven’t been invited to join the “advanced players” group at my local courts. I routinely hit the ball over the net and only occasionally into adjacent zip codes. Is it possible the group is intimidated by my raw talent?

Sincerely,

Future 5.0 (currently 2.5 due to politics)

Dear Future 5.0, I’m going to say something difficult, but necessary: no one is intimidated by your “raw talent.” The only thing raw here is your understanding of what constitutes good pickleball. Hitting the ball “over the net” is not the flex you think it is. That’s like bragging you successfully poured cereal into a bowl without requiring a mop.

Also, if your shots are routinely landing in neighboring municipalities, the advanced group isn’t excluding you—they’re protecting innocent bystanders. There are zoning laws to consider. My advice? Keep practicing, maybe invest in a compass, and consider that the “politics” you’re referring to is actually just “everyone agreeing you’re not quite ready.”

Dear Tim,

Is it legal for my doubles partner to apologize after every single shot, even the good ones? Yesterday she hit a perfect winner and said “Sorry!” to the opposing team. I’m worried this is affecting our competitive edge.

Trying to Win, Not Make Friends,

“No Apologies" Dude

Dear Dude, your partner sounds delightful, which of course is a huge problem. Pickleball, as we all know, is a battlefield disguised as a social activity. Excessive politeness is the gateway drug to losing. Apologizing after a winner is particularly concerning. That’s like a lion taking down a gazelle and then sending a sympathy card. It confuses everyone involved and undermines the natural order of things.

You have two options:

1. Have a direct conversation where you explain that while basic sportsmanship is appreciated, apologizing for excellence is not.

2. Replace her with someone who understands that victory is the only acceptable form of communication.

I suspect you’ll choose Option 2, because Option 1 requires emotional maturity and civility, and you wrote to me instead.

Dear Tim,

My wife and I have been playing mixed doubles, but she insists on standing in "The Kitchen" before the ball is even served. I’ve tried explaining the NVZ (Non-Volley Zone) rules using a whiteboard and a laser pointer, but she just calls me "insufferable." How can I make her understand the sanctity of the kitchen line?

Sincerely,

Rule-Follower Ron

Dear RFR, I’ve never met your wife, but I am currently drafting a legal defense for her when she eventually hits you over the head with her carbon-fiber paddle. The fact that you own a laser pointer for "sports instruction" tells me everything I need to know about why you’re probably eating dinner in silence. The kitchen line is just a line on a concrete slab, Ron. It’s not the DMZ. If she wants to stand in the kitchen, let her. If she loses the point, she loses the point.

The "sanctity of the line" is a phrase used only by people who weren't hugged enough as children or who have been banned from attending their community’s Homeowners Association meeting. Stop coaching and start praying she doesn't realize she could be playing doubles with literally anyone else.

Dear Tim,

What is the best way to handle "bangers"? You know, those players who just hit the ball as hard as they can right in your face? It’s so unrefined and seems downright hostile.

Dinker Belle

Dear Dinker, the best way to handle "bangers" is to move slightly to the left so the ball hits you in the face. Then, you can sue them, use the settlement money to buy a private island, and never have to talk to another advanced pickleball player again.

Seriously, you’re complaining that someone is hitting the ball too hard? It’s a perforated plastic ball. It has the aerodynamic properties of a crumpled-up Taco Bell wrapper. If you can’t handle a "banger" now and then, maybe try a sport more suited to your temperament. I hear competitive shuffleboard is looking for recruits.

– Tim Jones [Check out more of Tim’s View from the Bleachers humor column in the Crab Cracker, at www.ViewFromTheBleachers.net and his YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/viewfromthebleachers]